(lost) love does hurt, especially on that first date

no matter what the reason for the break up, or how bad you were to him, or how much he hurt you, or how much you realize he wasn't (and still isn't) 'the one,' losing a love is rough. especially when he moves on.

i suppose it's fitting that i'm writing about this on a blog called the first date, because ours was wonderful. just perfect.

i still remember choosing my outfit, shopping for something new, the butterflies beforehand, the sweet glances during dinner, wishing he'd kiss me when he opened the car door for me, being happy to be tucked against him at the bar, and leaning in for a second when his first kiss was so good.

love came quickly for us, and six weeks into it our feet were tucked side by side in the sand, our hands intertwined as we dreamed of the wedding. it would be bliss forever. soon those six weeks were six years and even though we still loved each other like that night i wrapped myself in his blue button-down, it was over. he was so faraway, in oh-so many ways. i couldn't find a way to bring him back. he couldn't find his way back. we tried, oh we tried. we both knew it was futile to keep trying, just never admitted it. we tried for two more years to overcome the distance, the pain, the new lives and new distractions. yes, we tried. and in so many ways, our love and trust still remained somehow. somewhere, it's still there, just tucked deep away ---- like those champagne corks, and the ticket stubs, the sparkly gifts, and those heartwrenching love notes.

we'd always said we'd love each other forever. we believed each other. we'd believed in us. can't we go back to then? that beach is still there. why aren't we?

but then, it was over. gone in an instant, faded into a memory neither of knew how to recapture. and now he's moved on, finding bliss with someone else. i've wondered if their daydreams were the same. did he ask for her hand the way he'd wanted to ask for mine? will i cross his mind on that day? wasn't that supposed to be me with him there? i'll struggle to get through that day.

but love, it's such a tricky thing. isn't it better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all? i suppose. would i trade our sandy memories if it meant not having this hurt today? perhaps. the hurt right now is great.

i guess it's the memories of him that stay with me as i try to move on. it's always hardest to let go of our memories, our special moments, us --- especially when i find myself on yet another first date. i might never have one so special as the one he gave me.