And so I let go.

It'd been an interesting ten or twelve years. I've always said that I fall for really great guys. And it's true. Just somehow, the just don't work out. The easiest was to just say it was them, that they were the ones who bailed and left me. But often, and definitely recently, I've begun to think that it's me. I wonder if I'm flawed ... if my heart is not healed enough to move on, or if my odd sense of commitment and strong desire to be my own person keeps a little protective wall around me. Perhaps they sense that somehow, maybe my innate self knows that I'll not let down my guard long enough to fall in love again. Sometimes, I worry that I'll not be able to stay faithful to someone for a lifetime. I worry they won't be faithful to me and will one day, out of the blue, walk in and break my heart. It seems so much easier to just not get so invested any more. Having things end with The Attorney and The Unexpected hurt me to my core and I'll carry those raw feelings with me for a lifetime because of how deeply I loved them; but the endings that I had with The Italian and The Friend actually stung my sensibilities. Their hurt, while not nearly as deep, made me see that I'm just not willing to get hurt again. I know I can't control that, and the risk will be worthy of a great reward, but I don't know that I want or can love again the way I loved those two. So I've decided to just let go of those in the past ... that's where they have to reside in my heart now...the past. I've always been a dater ... a serial one at that. But now, I'm not going to try, I'm just going to let love find me like it found me before in such an Unexpected way.