The Unexpected

I never saw him coming --- not until I caught sight of him in the hallway at the arena. Wasn't ready for him and I definitely wasn't ready to fall in love. But there he was, in such an unexpected way, and I fell hard for him. It's taken me nine years and a broken heart to realize that I really wasn't ready to fall in love at that time in my life. We talked marriage almost immediately ...a beach wedding, kids, family, travel, a house and the white picket fence... we had it all planned out and I went right along with it. I promised him forever and knew he'd never leave me. Somewhere deep inside me, I knew I should've slowed things down, that I wasn't fully into 'us' even though I loved him --- or thought I loved him. I don't think I ever knew how deep I loved him ... until I didn't have him. I let him spoil me, teach me, suprise me, dream about me, and love me and I don't think I ever stopped long enough to see if our love matched our wants in life. I loved wearing the jewelry he'd choose just for me, like it was a symbol that I was his. I relished in his wonderful romantic gestures ... the flowers, the sandy declarations of love, the hand-written love notes. He was such a major part of my life for so long that I think we both allowed ourselves to fall out of love with each other without even realizing it. I'd beg him to love me in a way he couldn't, he'd want me to love him in a way I just couldn't. But we never gave up. We loved each other too much. We didn't stick with our original plans --- we just stuck together --- and I think that was our undoing. We drove what we had into the ground, just assuming it would all work out. When he moved away, neither of us ever thought it would change anything --- how could it, we were so strong together and had been for so long. That was the reason we decided I didn't need to go with him right away. We could make it work, of course we could. His move took our relationship ... our love ... on a journey that it never returned from. Oh, we tried for so long to keep it. Not following him is one of my biggest regrets in life. How could two people love each other so much and let it just slip away? I hope the love we had was as real as it felt. He was always My Sweet Man. I hate that he's now become My Unexpected Regret.